人生若只如初见。

身份危机

你会不会觉得自己不属于哪里
我的意思是，你在这里工作，在这里生活
甚至你将要把人生中的第一次税交给这个国家
可是心灵深处你知道你并不想要属于这里
也不想要被这里的机器僵尸影响

可笑的是
当你回到你想属于的地方
你会发现，慢慢的，你好像也不再属于那里
从前流利的国语，现在想破头才挤出一口一听就懂很破的语言
或是道地的方言，你也多么想拥有那非常有代表性的身份纹身
曾经你是那里的地头蛇，现在你会小心翼翼
你会发现，好多人都开始找到自己在那个地方的位子，发光发热
而你却还在另一个地方漂浮，不知何时可以回到那里
你会发现，你错过了很多与朋友吹水的机会
结果呢，在那个地方，你就变得越来越小圈子
你也会发现其实你错过了很多与家人相处的机会
一起逛市场买年货，或吃些新鲜的东西
这些都是有够值得变得情绪化的借口

哎，黑洞
谁又会预料到原来来这里的代价是那么大
大到你会怀疑自己当初的决定
只能更加努力，为能再次回到那个地方
希望还来得及弥补所有错过的

原来这个故事的价值是
离家更久更远后，才会珍惜家的简单和美好

会不会有一天真的离开这里后
才发现和想念这里的美

呃
头要破了
就这样

What we miss most about high school summer jobs

Maybe it's about discovering passion for what you like and what you don't like.
Maybe it's about getting the paycheck which will only bank in weeks after your job have ended.
Maybe it's about tasting the victory of independence from home and school.
Maybe it's about driving on your own for the first time ever to 'work'.
Maybe it's about meeting people you would never otherwise have met. Maybe it’s the guy from halfway across the world. Wherever they’re from, summer jobs have this funny way of bringing people together who otherwise would be separated by geography, social class, popularity, or academic tracking. The people who you met in summer jobs opened your eyes about the many different ways people live happily in this world and how you can live happily too.

Whatever it was, you’ve never forgotten it, you’ll carry those characters and memories with you forever, and you’ll always have a memory to crack you up when the going gets rough. Apparently, the things we miss most about our high school jobs were all part of growing up, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Clarity.

2015, one hell of a ride
I wished to delete 2015 entirely from my life.

Turn out,
Things have their silver linings
I realize how great family love is
Of what is unconditional love
Despite you are at super worst or best
For damn sake, every action has consequences
And direct relation to everything that you'd never imagine
Butterfly effect.

Came across with a blog post from secondary school mate recently
Same age, some has already bought house, some got married, some got baby
Shit, what I am doing here
Stuck in not-my-cup-of-tea job, still have 5-digit loans to pay
Own nothing but sky high ambition

Whatever it was,
I am genuinely thankful for all the good and bad
For the people in my life that I cherish
For the people that helped me through my worst
For all blessings
For good experiences that I will revise again and again when I aged
For getting closer to achieving dreams everyday
For being free, healthy and own the ability to bring happiness

2016, can't wait already, it will be great.

在那个whatsapp一点都不普及的年代

人与人之间的沟通就是在最原始的脸书里comment来comment去

在那个dropbox还没诞生的年代，照片储存在电脑硬盘里

只要电脑当机了几次，照片就无影无踪

有时候一些朋友失去了联络，你会怪当时的科技没有现在的好

你会想念那些朋友，怀念那时自己的模样

你更怀念的是青春的模样

偶尔想起当时的情景，或许窃笑，或许感叹

原来我们曾经有过那么精彩的青春

而现在的自己是不是那时想象的自己

还是早已经被社会现实给吞噬了

曾经幻想长大后的自己会做些伟大的什么

在哪个地方努力实现梦想

突然间，一眨眼，各种人事物都慢慢移动

得到了什么，失去了什么

发生了什么，经历了什么

今天就是那时想象的那天

是不是这就是当时想要成为的自己

生命里总有一些人

几个人代表了你不同阶段的自己

回忆珍贵得没有勇气去触碰它

你会小心翼翼

因为那是你的一部分

你不想它变质

我希望谁发明一台生命记录器

可以完整地记录每个时刻

可以随时品尝那些故事

现在后悔莫及的是为什么当初没有把照片记录保留好

好像断片

很努力的想要回忆起某个片段

却怎样也不能完整地记起来

或是错过了什么重要的画面，句子

明明知道和哪些人拍过某张照片

却怎么找也找不回你青春的证据

难过得要死

有时候你会想要重新去寻找那些阶段的朋友

再次细诉那个阶段的苦与乐

可是往往大家都已经慢慢成长

或是已经前往下个阶段

制造下个回忆

也许，有些遗憾，生命才更显得珍贵

你也是否一样

在周围真正安静下來的时候

开始面对自己的世界。

头脑空了，热闹顿了

被压抑的自然会浮现。

有沒有忽然在安静下來，准备休息的時候就忽然想大哭一场

或者是午间发呆的片刻突然就感伤了起来

反正就是莫名其妙的打从心里涌出一阵难受

这几天完全陷入安静的时候都觉得难过得要死

不想让谁担心，可是偏偏自己一个人这样真的好难受

无力。

很想吃早餐的大半夜里

半夜三点，我应该在思考怎样解决失眠问题

半夜三点，或者应该睡到在磨牙

半夜三点，可能我正在为肚子饿而烦恼

半夜三点，努力的为考试挑灯苦读

半夜三点，寂寞的和自己对话

近来几天都不喜欢早睡，好不容易等到周围环境一片寂静了，然后开始做自己想做的

比如翻看王家卫的电影，读一些好文章，看下背包客的部落格然后心理充满希望

或是听听安静的音乐，看看好久没拿起的书

甚至思考些有的没的人生道理或人生目标

或只是单纯的想发呆

买了台新的相机，摆在桌上最显眼的位置

提醒我欣赏生活的美，也提醒我出走的初衷

生活本来就需要很多很多的勇气去开始和结束

特别是在望穿秋水后

想要有人可以在思想的战场上打不会留血的战

听说真正促使我们改变而无惧于改变的，不该是满地荆棘的磨炼，更从来就不该是有意无意的伤害

应该说是爱，家人的爱，自己的爱，对工作生活热诚的爱

这让我不敢忘记自己应该要有多勇敢

“往前走，不要试图去等待或追逐不愿意与你携手共度的人”

不要让迷失虫吞噬了你的初衷

慢慢成长后，时间开始变成一种很有限的单位

而金钱物资地位就变成无限的单位

矛盾，勇气，和期望

多了很多想要达成的事和物，成为的人

很复杂没错，但是这些问题就这样一次一次的在夜里轻而易举的出现，

然后一跃而上我的迷糊脑袋里，千回百转多少多少遍

偶尔好像会做住答案的一小边边，却没办法真正的更了解自己一点点，

然后我失焦的双眼，没办法在我和我自己的心找有焦距

我却放任的这样失神，习惯了这样发呆

现在与未来，差别在于机会成本与付出的代价
所有的羁绊，现在不简单，未来会更困难

我好一些些，

我喜欢努力中的笑脸。

天天都要好心情:)

好忙好忙

常常我们都在努力的寻找自我， 可是偏偏这条道路上迷失了的人很多
当一切看起来仿佛是一场梦，实物和虚体已经开始慢慢模糊
我们谁都不想变成一具具面无表情的丧尸
当周围的人类看起来已经一样，生存和生活再次分不清各自的意义
时间越来越逼近，她说时间过了就是过了
直到现在我才慢慢了解那个＂过了＂所说的是什么
生活里有太多需要做的选择，有些真的可以影响你很多很多
还好有时候偶尔聊起的闲话会突然提醒，你出发的最初目的
至少还来得及，因为你还有选择
是时候了，谢谢那些敬佩的人

真的一年了。

不大喜欢离开家前房间空空的感觉
这种感觉太寂寞
把所有喜欢的东西都挤进背包里
留下来的却是一种孤独
更害怕在机场的道别
然后一个人在飞机上掉泪
这种事情太不陌生

说不上何时会回来
此时，不好受。

我爱美禄

难得大半夜停电，干脆坐在窗前享受黑夜与宁静
习惯收集入场券，音乐会门票，或是一切有纪念价值的有的没的
难得拿出来回味，看着都会开心地笑
戴起耳机，整个世界就属于我
那些渐渐忘掉的记忆和失去的信心回来了
还有朋友鼓励的卡片
叫我每天都要开心
对咯，过去的让它过去 
我很珍惜，简单却最有意义

原来我很幸福。
整个世界都安静了，哈，停电真好。

everybody has a summer holiday

and here is mine :)

ate some books this summer

get a volunteer tag for georgetown festival
phhhailed to get an organiser tag again this year lol 

   

tune into youtube, plug in headset
and learn how to pick the strings

guitar sounds amazingly calming all the time
when you need it, it always does.

the half-way pageant thing LOL!!!
quit before the grand final after much consideration
did it like a boss HAH

a spontaneous jungle trekking
with hungry stomach growling all the way
grateful that we're blessed with wide peace scenery, after 1hour+ trekking
without choosing the boat, we chose our foot as way going back
it rained,
we're waiting helplessly in the mid of jungle.
proud that we're still able to laugh at our achievement, even though get all wet in the end

cari makan by bikes
long cycling way along penang coastal
bright sunny morning, busy streets, got honked by carss
thanks to our adventurousness, we get tanned and get wet
as it rained, again
well, soul fulled, stomach fulled
things to do: cycle around penang, ticked!

watching life in kopitiam
simple pleasure

grabbed some syphonised coffee
hidden gem on the isle with friendly owner 
meaningful evening spent very relaxedly, listened to stories

I'm charged and ready to go again, as an explorer

new semester awaiting,
I will be walking down a different way, taking different routes than most
that I understand it won't ever be easy
still, keen to find out what awaits and where will it leads me to
a new phase with real world real competition

well,
resilience without regret.

老了会骄傲的事.

So, I always have so much fun reviewing all the following photos
 the experiences and reminiscenes cross my mind all the time

The extraordinary activities,

something that remind me to keep going and take charge in everypart of life

lets start with the very first one

parajump in sentosa, five storeys in height

pioneer that kicks off the followings

GMax in clarke quay, singaville
reverse bungy
reaches 60m in the air, speed up to 200km/h 
well, we're just keep laughing up there in the air
also, not forgetting to check in at sky lol

drained jetski in penang (LOL!)
I'm not a water baby, can't swim
so just floated, wanted to cry and waiting for the rescue

one day co-pilot in KL
dream of handling an airplane, fulfilled!

controlled this Cessna150 up to 1000 feet in the air
an simple manual aircraft
I was excited but also scared, seriously 
can't find the airport to land in the air really makes my nerves stood

skywalk at Macau tower

walking on top of a tower of 233 metres high while doing stunt lol
the world's highest bungee jumping happens at the same place
and and I can see China and the whole Macau up there :)

GX5 extreme swing in singaville
expect the unexpected!

free fall from 50m in the air
I am so soooo afraid of free fall honestly
goosebumps everytime watching the video, everytime

caught our relieved smile hah!

parasailing at penang

screamed like nobody and fell onto the sand
dragged by boat on the beach, eating sand LOL

well, there're much more things in life that makes me happy
or proud at who I am
the rush of adrenaline did makes me scared sometimes
but to conquer the fear is something, encouraging I would say

slowly gaining pieces and pieces of life puzzles
as every experiences is amazingly unique
and there's one saying that you will think differently when you've done one
like when there's bottleneck in things, what's in priority list, what's matter the most
I can't assure the validity of this statement but I'm not regretting on any, at all

much more things to be done
much more things to be learnt
much more things to be experienced
in any, every aspect of life 
well, I am just a beginner in life
but I am definitely keen to find out what awaits me in my near tomorrows :)

慢慢阅读，慢慢咀嚼，好吗

最近开始有时间关心身边的细节
路上的路人，金头发的背包客，咖啡店的阿伯等等
从前就有的重感情，最近开始有新的领悟
常常听到亲戚说起谁谁常常往谁谁的家里跑
为的是找一个聊天的伴， 打发的是放工后空房子里一个人的寂静
看到坐在咖啡店的阿伯，点了一人份的煮炒，圆桌上一个人的晚餐
看起来是那里的熟客，熟悉了自己一个人的熟客
还有那个推着老脚车， 站在围墙前静静看海的老人
我很好奇他那时在思维着什么，或许是一些过去的往事回忆
另一边是两个金头发的背包客，互相有个伴，轻轻地牵着手走看分享每个角落的新奇
我被这一幕幕牵动着,心理上的涟漪不断发起

到底要多少努力才能够找得到那个能够分享的伴，
那个可以放工后想回家看到的人，那个可以每天陪你吃晚餐分享一整天的兴奋或不满的人，
那个可以陪你一起静静看海回忆当年的人，那个可以和你一起有时间就到陌生的国度体验的人
我说的是二十年三十年后，中年以后，甚至退休以后
或许不该说是“努力”，应该可以说是珍惜
只是这些不起眼的生活小细节，对一些阿伯来说是多么奢侈，真的

人说，想要得到，就要思考你该放弃的
想要家庭的安稳，幸福的过每一天？
挣扎于过于极端的金钱机会成就与完全相反的时间亲情温暖状况之间
牺牲？
成功的定义到底是什么，对个人而言，不是普遍大众的定义
或许这样吧，当一个人达到所谓的成就成功后， 是否会有个可以与他分享喜悦的人
若不，值得？
朋友也会各自有自己的生活，自己的家，
孩子长大后也会有自己的世界，现实
所以到头来，自己的伴还是最真实吧
‘另一半’真的就是这样吧
灵魂的伴侣

也不是说放弃所有只为亲情
只是平衡点很重要，对就是这个词
“平衡”
多些关心，陪伴 ，体谅，分享，了解
更重要的应该就是感恩和珍惜
心灵上的满足，心灵上的幸福和充实
应该远远胜于物质上太多太多的占有吧
因为真的不会有谁说的准明天会发生什么

也没什么，每个人都有自己的故事
只是最近这种想法一直不断地在反复反复着
至少我知道的，
我很幸福，我的家人很幸福。

warming up.

I'm struggling whether to write a post or not as I am getting lazy and gonna make sure what I write makes sense.

It's about the George Town Festival, yes I am back after a year

so soon it had been a year, too soon

It's a bit different this year, without some similar faces

I join the team as a volunteer/helper, again

Have great passion into a more involved position, 

to see how they work things out, to liase with more people

I was assiged to an event called the 'YES Broadway'

It was a long event, I mean the preparation period

for a week, i go over the island everyday, continuously (almost) early in the morning

and go home late at night, almost midnight

I never promise it will be an easy job that guarantees satisfaction,

instead, I have lots of mixed feelings during that period, to be honest

I started it with excitement, involvement, responsibilities, doubts, slowly feel so sick with everything, boredness, passive, slowly found fun, new volunteers coming in, started to engage back, proactive, passionate, and then the event had finally called an end, 

feeling now is like: omg I miss everything so much!

It's not easy but it's very meaningful

At first I wanted a job like interviewing uncles aunties who hold on the traditional elements in the state, 
something more into the live heritage and to understand more the story of penang

in short, more heritage elements than arts

that's why I felt doubt in the middle of broadway show

but somehow they brought something else, like their passion into music and dance

a respectful one and I started to find fun.

The Broadway

I started to enjoy every working days,

the long driving journey over the sea to the town

sing loud along with songs from radio in car

simply nice, or awesome.

Journey back home is a chilling one, 

I tune to lite fm and drive slowly

to enjoy the serenity and beauty of night in penang. 

sunny day never failed to make my day.

I went to Batu Feringgi beach for lunch break, lol.

and of course eventually get my pants wet.

The people I met really inspire me a lot

Each of them have their special characters and charisma that you'll want to learn from

They are great amazing people, taught me lots, like keep holding on dreams etc

They are also fun, seriously

she's so sweet.

I like how everytime GTF can inspire me and teach me some unexpected life lessons

too much, yea

It's like a roller coaster for me, ups and downs, 

and yet you'll want to try it again though uneasy feelings might appear in between
it's life right

I love you all, people

fun performers, staff, volunteers, visitors, all

I started to anticipate for the street celebration, much more fun hopefully

and yes, life-long friends made, truly appreciate.

recently.

okay, long time apart since the last post, time to renew this site.

so I went to the Mayday concert in February.
I would say it was a truly sincere one and it touched deep into your feeling inside
inspiring as well, we get pumped in a lot of positive energy soon after the concert
absolutely worth the money and anticipation.

Jayesslee in May, soon after my last paper of second sem exam, it was a sincere piece.
more like a song sharing session rather than a concert, enjoyable one.
and yess, the girls were cute!
p/s: sonia's guitar is too pretty!!

Batam island trip in April just before exam.
It was actually a Groupon deal which offer a round island trip with one night stay in hotel.
remarkable thing is the Harris hotel which we stayed in, we were blessed with grand wide sea view
without any water sports activities done, leave us a good reason to come back again.

some recent vintage stuff of mine
 I had a hard time explaining what the camera-look-alike stuff is,
it's actually my iPhone case :)
and the fake plastic rayban from batam =p

had some good slack time after the exam,
attended a graduation dinner though I am still a first year undergrad (soon second year, too soon)
kinda meaningful :)

Frozen mind.

Yes, today she just want to do something she did as usual, in the past years.

"Being in a hostile environment, witnessing things you've never seen before and hanging out with new buddies...seem kinda fun. But sometimes when you get away from home for too long, in my case 3months, you kinda get tired. You wake up in the morning wondering where's that thick blanket that has the greatest smell on earth. You try to close your eyes again, hoping that when you wake up again your room at home magically appears. Most of the time you just convince yourself that the sun will not go down on you today, so get up and continue working for your dream."
"I don't know if i ever had one, but for now I'm really not sure which direction i'm heading to. I'm not sure if I ever felt so confused in life before. I'm not even sure if I'm where I'm supposed to be. Being 20 is hard. Ranting about it won't change anything. It's even harder when you don't even have time to hang out with the one you can talk with."

I guess she's a little bit different now. She used to be the girl who smiles a lot and enjoy every little thing. Now she's still smile, but that were not so...real anymore. I don't think she's having fun. Reality strikes, she doesn't have much choice but to accept and work for the future. She get many advices from friends, including those who are experienced. Anyhow she feels hard to implement some, too hard to be true. Not that she never try, it was just... to panic to step into the world with a wide big evil smile saying welcome.

No time to be weak, no reason for being weak as well. She learned this at this environment. Everyone around walk fast, she will be left far behind if she were to take it slow. Everyone speaks, she will be deadly forgotten if she didn't. Everyone socialise, she will definitely be islanded if she choose her own living way. 'Is this university life in the dream with all new buddies around, doing great things together, have snaps with sparkling smiles?' She always wonder.

She is always being anesthetized by 'real-life homeworks' and alikes. Being 20 / soon 21 is hard. She doesn't want to dissapoint anyone that ever help her to reach this stage. Including her family, who've spent a lot for her education. 'Perhaps this is the education of life, she convices herself.

Time to stand up and fight. Time to stop acting like a pity one. Time to strike for her own future. Time to take charge of her education, push her boundaries, be counted and make a difference.
Time to really learn, grow, lead and serve; Make herself unforgettable.

今天只做一件事

很多时候觉得迷失 努力的最初目的
体内的正面能量快要用完时 迷失虫就慢慢侵蚀你的大脑 你的思想
我们每个人 每个人 都会一直想要生存
可是常常被忘的是
谁又会停下脚步感受生活

社会的普遍“文化”教会大部分人要怎样生存
教不会的是，“感受”
个人的价值观建立在经济上，实际主意，欢迎来到现实社会。
生活在麻木，恐惧当中, 害怕种种, 衣食住行
更害怕失去。

“比你生活更重要的是对生活的感受
人人都生活，但是不是人人都有感受”
豁达，又要怎样完成

那是一个不变的形式
人是需要常常寻找自己的方式来吸收
寻找来自生活百态的补品
谁又会豁达到抛开社会人的一号思想，走自己的路
会有，可是真的不多

接受事情的不完美的容量，是要加深了
只因这就是世界，怎么样的形态都有，不是不满
是觉得荒缪，有趣

我也要出去走走
观想人生最真的对白
提醒自己的价值，珍惜的事和物
还有吸收大地精华。

they are here.

such a tempting shape of my acoustic

Finally I've found something that I wanted for so long
a canvass backpack in sexy khaki color

same to this lil grey suede wingtip
you know I am searching for you all over my life

mylifeloh

we were lucky.

and this is the horizon of Singapore.

nah.

kx: wa banyak sien liao

finally :D

walk into history, when a person call bieren called me, oversea.

second unfortune car after bieren's

:okayloh:

OB class, we were told to do origami, a lion supposed.

and, my new stuff, the wingtipppp :)
i should write a post about the Mayday concert and how i phoned people during the show LOL.